Marilyn Monroe famously said “if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” Are people who say this happy to handle their partners at their worst? “I want a partner who will pamper me.” Are you willing to pamper them? “I should be your top priority. If you loved me, you’d do anything for me.” Will you do anything for them?
“Don’t ask for what you won’t give” is a version of the Golden Rule. There are many versions of the Golden Rule. The most well-known is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Most people say they believe in the Golden Rule. We are even told that the Golden Rule is all we need to know. But I like to joke that the Golden Rule is aptly named because, like gold, it is much loved and rarely seen. “I want someone who will adore me,” says a character in Jane Green’s Mr. Maybe. “I want someone who will worship me, even when…I’m sitting around in fluffy slippers with no makeup on and hair scraped back.” I can’t picture her looking with worshipful eyes at a bed-headed, halitotic partner.
The Golden Rule Fails as a Rule
So should we always do unto others as we would have them do unto us? No. Actually, the Golden Rule fails miserably as a rule, despite its impressive pedigree across cultures. Yes, it is found in the Mahabharata, Matthew, Confucius’ Analects, and the Hadith; and in the teachings of Isocrates and Hillel. It appears in the book of Ahiqar, the sayings of the Yoruba, and Zoroastrianism’s Shayast-na-Shayast. But should a judge let a serial killer go free because, if the judge were a serial killer, she’d want to be freed? Should I yank out my dentist’s tooth because I want him to pull mine? There are a zillion different versions of the Golden Rule. Each one has problems, and each way to try and patch it up also fails. (More about that is in the Philosophical Postscript.) But it is a beautiful idea if we don’t take it too literally as a “rule.” It reminds us that there is another person we’re dealing with. Other people have feelings and needs and wants and goals and projects, just like you do, and they count, just like you do. A mantra for my family is “in a family, everyone counts.” We are all part of the family of humanity and, more broadly, the family of life. The golden rule reminds us to think about what it’s like to be on the other side of our actions and decisions. This is something too many of us often forget. So while the Golden Rule is not a rule, it is an important moral idea.
The Golden Rule for Relationships
One version of the Golden Rule in particular stands out as a guiding idea for romantic relationships. I’ll talk about exceptions to it, but as a general idea that everyone in a relationship should take to heart, I propose the following:
Don’t demand what you’re not prepared to give.
Another way to put it is:
Don’t insist on rules you won’t follow yourself.
It sounds very simple and obvious, but it’s alarming how many people don’t follow it. People try to impose double standards all the time. “Don’t tell me what to do!” That’s fine if you never tell your partner what to do, but I’m willing to bet most people who angrily say “don’t tell me what to do” tell their partners what to do quite often. “Don’t be so sensitive” is fine if you’re not. A couple can either both be careful what they say or both be easy going and rarely take offense. Either way works. But if you insist your partner watch what they say because you’re sensitive, you better watch what you say too. If you insist your partner shrug things off and not take them personally, you better do the same. Refusing to follow the Golden Rule of Relationships creates continuing resentment. If you’re allowed to have friends but your partner isn’t, every time you talk to your friends your partner will resent you for forbidding them to have their own friends. If you invite your family over but don’t allow your partner’s family in the house, you’re basically saying “I count and you don’t.” How would you feel if your partner said that to you? People violate the Golden Rule of Relationships in so many ways. I borrow your clothes, but don’t you dare borrow mine. I can flirt, but you can’t. People often justify their outrageous or demanding behavior by saying “I’m worth it.” Isn’t your partner worth it too? If so, you’d better tolerate the same kind of behavior from them. If not, why did you choose them?
I don’t mean to be nasty about this. We are each the hero of our own story, and it is easy to forget that the world is a vast anthology of stories, each with its own hero. Our own story is neither the best nor the most important of them. In reality these stories merge and interact. We don’t often ask ourselves “how do I come across in their story?” Put on the cap of a writer and write the story in which your wife, or your brother, or your father, or your neighbor is the main character. Suddenly you are the jerk who tells the main character “don’t tell me what to wear” but always makes snide remarks about what your partner’s wearing. You are the oppressor who won’t let your partner have friends. You’re the oaf who doesn’t do much around the house but always complains if your laundry’s not done and dinner’s not on the table.
Btw, the Golden Rule doesn’t mean that you’re justified in demanding anything that you are willing to give. The other person may not want or need what you’re willing to give. Amisha has many friends she loves to drink and party with. Sari doesn’t drink and loves quiet evenings at home. Her few friends enjoy quiet conversation. Amisha is upset that Sari won’t spend most nights partying with her friends. She tells Sari “I want you to come party with me. It’s only fair. I’m willing to party with your friends.” Amisha is not being fair. Yes, Amisha is willing to give what she demands, but that isn’t anything Sari would want. She is not respecting their differences. The same is true of compromising– reasonable compromises have to take account of the entire situation. It may not be fair for Amisha to insist “ok, we party one day and stay home the next,” if going to Amisha’s parties is extremely difficult for Sari while staying home is not difficult for Amisha. Perhaps Amisha can go to parties without Sari sometimes, while Sari goes with her once or twice a month (and Amisha makes it up to her in some other way). Or perhaps this conflict reveals deeper problems in their relationship. As they sit down and talk thoughtfully, it may turn out they have different ideas of what being a couple means. Sari may be fine with Amisha going by herself twice a week while Amisha is not at all happy with that, because Amisha feels couples should do everything together, while Sari thinks people need their space. They may even find they disagree about what kind of life each wants to live. Sometimes resolving a couple conflict is straightforward. Sometimes you have to dig deep.
Still, a good starting point is asking yourself, about anything you expect or demand from your partner, “am I willing to give that?” Be honest. If the answer is “no” or “not really,” then, usually, you need to change what you expect or change what you’re willing to give.
Exceptions to the Golden Rule for Relationships
What are legitimate exceptions to “don’t demand what you’re not willing to give”? Here are at least three exceptions: when doing what you ask for creates an unfair burden, is not feasible, or ignores history and circumstances.
- When circumstances make it impossible or unreasonable to reciprocate:
For example, I’m confined by a neck brace. I ask you to pick up my wallet for me when it falls out of my pocket. Obviously, I can’t do the same for you–I can’t pick up your wallet when it falls. But I can help you in other ways. Maybe not as much as you help me, but as much as I can. At the very least, I can appreciate what you do and make sure you know it.
- When reciprocating would place an unfair or undue burden:
Kenan is a model. For work, he wears care-intensive outfits that he needs to change six to ten times a day. Diego works at home on his computer in sweats. “You do my laundry and I’ll do yours” is not exactly fair. In one sense, Kenan is giving what he demands (we each do the other person’s laundry), but in another Kenan is demanding way more than he’s giving.
- As a legitimate response to history or circumstances:
I have cleaned up your mess hundreds of times in the past. When I ask you to do some of the cleaning up, you say that you will. But you never do. I ask you to stay home tonight, instead of going out with your friends, to clean up the mess. I would not be willing to stay home to clean up the mess, for two good reasons: I have done it so many times in the past (and you haven’t), and I feel free to put it off until tomorrow because my history has shown I’ll really do it tomorrow. Your history has shown you won’t. Another example: you are a diabetic with severe heart and kidney problems. I insist that you stick to a strict diet. I would not be willing to do the same, because eating a piece of cake won’t kill me, while it could kill you.
So, yes, there is wiggle room in the Golden Rule for Relationships. That’s why it’s not really a rule. But take care not to use that wiggle room dishonestly. It’s easy to do, because any two things are alike in some ways and unlike in others. You can always trump up some excuse for making unreasonable demands on your partner, because your histories and circumstances will always be different in some ways, because no arrangement is absolutely and perfectly fair, and because your ability to reciprocate will never be exactly the same. You have to be honest and reasonable. “I’m an inch taller than you, so I have to bend further to pick something up from the floor” is not a good reason to expect your partner to do all the picking up. Does what you’re saying pass the “eye-roll” test: if you explained the situation in detail to a fair and neutral stranger, would they roll their eyes at your reason for demanding what you won’t give? Would they be convinced? Or would they see it as a genuine gray area?
Final Thought
One final thought. If you truly love someone, you care about their well-being, about their happiness and about their needs being met, as much as care about your own. If you do really care about your partner that way, if, for you, you both count equally, then you’d normally be happy to give them whatever you want to get from them. We all make mistakes. We all act, sometimes, without really thinking things through. But if you’re not willing to take an honest look at what you demand, or knowingly and deliberately make demands you wouldn’t reciprocate, maybe you’re not being fully honest when you say “I love you.” Maybe it’s only yourself that you love.
So the Golden Rule of Relationships is not only a good way to conduct a relationship, a way that creates trust and avoids festering resentments. It is also a way to be a better person, to grow your heart, and embrace the world with love.
Philosophical Postscript: The Right Way to Understand the Golden Rule
The standard positive version of the Golden Rule is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The standard negative version is “don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to you.” A variant, called the “Platinum Rule,” is “treat people the way they want to be treated.” Unfortunately, sometimes, the right thing to do will displease someone. You can’t please everyone all the time. If I were a student, I suppose I would prefer to get an undeserved A rather than a deserved C or worse. Almost all my failing students would prefer an unearned A. But it would be wrong for me to give everyone an undeserved A. Another problem with the Golden Rule is that people’s circumstances differ. For example, I would want someone to put peanuts in my stir fry if I were being given lunch, but it would be wrong to put peanuts in Konstantinos’ stir-fry, since he’s allergic to peanuts. So we might want to say “treat others as you would want to be treated if you were in their circumstances.” Which circumstances count? We get wrong results, for example, if we define Kostantino’s circumstance as being hungry (since I would want peanuts if I were hungry). It looks like we must include all of their circumstances (which we cannot, in practice, know). But now we face another problem. People have conflicting wants. Harry Potter would have to kill himself if he applied the Golden Rule to Voldemort (since Voldemort wants him dead) but also preserve his life if he applies it to Hermione, who wants him alive. If we include all of Voldemort’s and Hermione’s circumstances, Harry has to both kill himself and preserve his life, which is impossible. Maybe we can avoid the problem by ruling out morally dubious ways people want to be treated (so Voldemort’s wanting Harry to kill himself doesn’t count). Of course, if we do that, the Golden Rule just seems to say “do the right thing,” which is no help—it’s supposed to tell us what the right thing to do is. In any case, people also have legitimate conflicting wants. I must decide which student gets a small scholarship award. I can give it to the academically best student or to the student who needs it the most. Both are legitimate ways of making my gift. If I were the academically best student, I’d want the money given on the basis of academic excellence. If I were the neediest student, I’d want the money given on the basis of need. So, I violate the Golden Rule either way—I either don’t treat the best student or the neediest student the way I’d want to be treated in their circumstances. (For more about the Golden Rule, try “The Not So Golden Rule” by Dan Flores https://philosophynow.org/issues/125/The_Not_So_Golden_Rule and my Ethical Engineering, Chapter Five https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Engineering-Practical-Studies-Engineer-ebook/dp/B0BV8K6HQV.) (Kant’s Categorical Imperative is often seen as an “improved” version of the Golden Rule. For criticisms of Kant’s view, see https://www.rep.routledge.com/articles/thematic/kantian-ethics/v-1/sections/criticisms-of-kantian-ethics.)
I like to say that, in ethics, rules (and moral theories) are meant to be wrong. They shouldn’t tell us what to do. They point out important factors, to be weighed against other important factors. (I talked about how to do that in a previous post, “Making Ethical Decisions” https://acupofwhy.com/making-ethical-decisions/) Used correctly, the Golden Rule can be an important piece in our ethics toolkit.
Disclaimer:
Nothing that appears on this blog is meant to replace legal advice, therapy, or medical treatment. I am not providing legal, medical, or mental health advice. Always seek the advice of your own attorney or medical or mental health provider about specific questions concerning your specific health or legal issues.
