Sometimes it’s good to just let our emotions fly like eagles in the wind. Sometimes it’s harmful or dangerous, to ourselves and others. Road rage shootings have been steadily climbing in the U.S. Suicides, cutting, and violence in response to strong emotions are a real danger. Less dramatically, we all say things in anger that hurt others, our relationships, or ourselves. Cussing out your boss when you need the job is generally a big mistake. So we all need to be able to control and regulate our emotions when needed.
We can’t, generally, choose our emotions. Some emotions we can “shut off” like a faucet. (But the water pressure is still there. They don’t just go away.) We can choose not to focus on something (I’m not going to think about that). Sometimes we can “fake it till we make it,” forcing ourselves to act cheerful until the negative emotion fades and we really are cheerful. These sometimes work and sometimes don’t. But there are three important things we can do. 1. We can do something about how our feelings are realized in action (emotional regulation). 2. We can evaluate our emotions. And 3. we can do things to change our feelings over time.
Stepping Back
We’ve all experienced times when we “see red,” when we feel some strong emotion pushing us to action. It might be anger or resentment or desire or excitement or sheer joy. We may be tempted to say hurtful things, make an impulse purchase or commitment, spill a secret, or act inappropriately. Some people may even be pushed to hit someone or harm themselves. When we’re having troubling controlling ourselves, we need to regulate our emotions, at least enough to have a clear sense of whether we should “cut loose” or reconsider. Cutting loose—spontaneously letting an emotion translate into action, like whooping at a ball game when your team scores—can be a good thing, but we need to know when, where, and how far to go. Emotional regulation is needed when you’re not sure about those things or tempted to do something you know you will regret.
We all get annoyed about things we should really let go. Especially in a relationship, peace, support, kindness, and acceptance are key virtues. But of course we shouldn’t be doormats, either. There are things we ought to speak up about (in a constructive way, if possible). When I’m annoyed or upset by something my partner’s done or won’t do, I ask myself “would she tolerate this?” It’s not a perfect criterion. Maybe she would tolerate it, but it’s still not ok. Generally, though, if she wouldn’t get upset, I rethink things. That’s a signal to think twice about being upset. If she wouldn’t tolerate it, I usually feel I’m justified in objecting.
More generally, when I‘m angry or upset with someone, I step back and ask myself whether what they did was really wrong. Does what they did merit my anger? If so, is this something I should address or just learn to live with? (Choose your battles wisely.) If I should address it, how can I do it constructively? Let me think that through. But if what they did isn’t wrong, then my anger is my problem. How can I deal with it?
This highlights one of the best ways to deal with our emotions. See, sometimes we need to cool down when we’re being swept away by a feeling—a rush of anger, a gush of desire. That calls for emotional CPR, to defuse the moment and de-escalate. Of course, after CPR comes treatment. Once we’re calm, we need to deal with long-term, underlying emotions and how they affect our behavior and relationships. That will be the subject of the next post.
How to Regulate Your Emotions
Every person and every situation is different. What works for some people in some situations won’t work for others. That’s why it’s important to have several techniques in your arsenal. See what works for you in which situations. Some of these techniques apply when you can distance yourself from the situation. Walk away, if you can, until you cool down enough to deal with it constructively. Sometimes you can’t walk away, and even when you can, how do you cool yourself down? Some of these techniques work by distracting you long enough that you calm down. Some work by purging the feelings. Some work by altering your emotional state. Some are cognitive. Some are well known and some are not. Here are 12 things you can try.
- Counting and breathing. Count to ten before responding. Try measured breathing, where you inhale, hold the breath, and exhale. Count to yourself: “In, two three, out, two three.” If you are able, add “hold, two three” between inhaling and exhaling. Counting and breathing should be at a measured tempo—not too fast, as you are trying to slow yourself down, but not so slow that you lose patience.Counting and breathing alone may sometimes be enough, but usually, if you do nothing else, you’ll still do the rash thing when you get to 10. So counting and breathing are more effective as a first step, followed by another technique. Often, you need to do counting and/or breathing to be calm enough to try the other things below.
- Go to your “safe place.” When you are not upset and nothing is going on, take time to find a place where you feel safe, calm, and good. It can be an imaginary place, like a spot in the woods where unicorns dance, or a real place. It can be fictional, like a peaceful place in a movie or book. It can be contemporary or in your past. It can be a memory, like your memory of your dad reading a particular bedtime story to you when you were five years old. The important thing is how it makes you feel. As Hermann Hesse said, “’within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” Practice calling up that place in your imagination, that is, putting yourself there in your mind. Practicing helps you to be able to call it up when you are upset. When an occasion occurs, count to ten and then call up your safe place. Stay there, in your mind, until you feel able to deal with the occasion constructively (or less destructively, at least).
- Talk to a friend or relative. Write down what you’re feeling or express your feelings to someone you trust. When you articulate your feelings by writing them down, you not only clarify what you’re feeling but feel more in control. Talking to friends about what you’re feeling may help you “purge” your emotions (venting), but it may also help you feel heard, understood, and accepted. Just as important, another person can serve as a reality check.
- Turn to an emotional support animal. Holding and even talking to your beloved cat, dog, or other pet can be enormously comforting.
- Ask yourself “how important is this? Is it really worth getting upset over?” What are you thinking of doing/saying? What will be the consequences? It can help to imagine a respected figure asking you these questions. Imagine Aunt Cedella or Einstein or Batman asking you “is it really worth it?”
- Enact a narrative in your mind. Between emotional episodes, create or appropriate a character you can identify with. You can make one up yourself (when I was five, I made up a character, Thomason, who was a cross between Superman and a cowboy), or you can settle upon a character (Wonder Woman, Abe Lincoln, Joan of Arc) from fiction, film, or history. When an upsetting occasion arises, in your mind (or to a support person who knows what you are doing—you have to explain it to them beforehand), tell a story about your character. “Thomason sees five bullies stomping on the lunchbox of a terrified younger boy. Thomason flies over the scene and yells ‘stop!’ The bullies look up, startled to find Thomason floating in the air above them.” You may make up your own story (don’t worry about its originality or literary merit) or re-tell a story you know, such as a scene from a movie. The important thing is that you get caught up in the story, so that narrating the story leads you in a positive emotional direction, either by purging negative feelings or producing positive feelings. It doesn’t matter how good or bad the story is or how well you tell it. What’s important is the change in you produced by narrating the story. You will need to practice to see what kind of stories and ways of narrating them work for you. If words don’t come easily, you can tell the story visually, by playing a movie in your head, or graphically, like a comic-book.
- Turn to art. Turn your emotion into music, painting, poetry, or whatever feels natural and right at the moment. Don’t worry about how good or bad it is. Don’t try to guide or shape the work or refine it. Just let it loose. If it has the seed of artistic merit, you can always revise or shape it into a good work later. The idea now is to just let it fly, however trite, ugly, or clumsy.
- Engage in physical activity. Pour your emotion into a physical activity, such as punching a punching bag, dancing, chopping wood, cleaning house, running—it doesn’t matter what you do.
- Ask “What would X do?” Between emotional episodes, settle on one or two models of healthy emotional responses. Christians often pick Jesus, but you may pick someone you know personally, an historical figure (Gandhi, Michelle Obama), a fictional figure (Nanny Mcphee, Spock from Star Trek), or even your character from the narrative in #6. The important thing here is that you can use the person you settle on as a model of appropriate responses to emotions. After you count to ten, ask yourself what that person would do if feeling what you are feeling in this situation. Try to emulate that behavior.
- Identify factors that might make you more reactive and sensitive in this situation. If you’ve just been fired, you’re more likely to lash out at someone who annoys you. If your brother always teased you about being small, you may be reactive to anything involving your height. If you’ve got a headache, you may be more irritable than usual. The possibilities are endless. Identifying these factors may help you calm down and deal them. Recognizing what is triggering you is not an automatic cure, but it can be a first step in realizing you’re over-reacting, or reacting to the wrong thing. (It’s really your brother you’re mad at, not the guy who offered to reach you something from a high shelf in the supermarket.)
- Evaluate. Look carefully at what you’re feeling and ask yourself, as objectively as you can, whether your feelings are appropriate and fair. Acknowledging that you’re not being fair often acts as a break on runaway emotions, especially if, recognizing that you’re out of line, you make an effort to calm down.
- If you realize you’re wrong, apologize even if you don’t feel it. (This doesn’t apply when you believe you’re not wrong to be upset and you’re not over-reacting.)
Practice
It’s important to PRACTICE by trying out different techniques when occasions for small emotional episodes arise. Your souffle falls. It’s not a big deal, really. You might feel mildly frustrated. Use that as an opportunity to practice some of these techniques and see what works for you (and under what circumstances: a technique that works for some sorts of episodes might not for others). You need to find what works for you, and you need to practice carrying out these techniques when it’s emotionally difficult. Not too many people can just get on a bicycle the first time and ride away like a pro. It takes practice, with falls, wobbles, and awkward moments. The same is true of taking charge of your emotions.
These are all short-term strategies for dealing with an immediate, troubling emotion that feels overwhelming or may push you to actions you’ll regret. They are like putting a band-aid on a wound. Sometimes the wound heals by itself, and a band-aid is all you need. But sometimes the underlying emotion, attitude, or frame of mind that comes with it needs to be changed. After applying these band-aids and calming down, it may be time to start the hard work of psychological change. That is the subject of the next post. Keep reading.
