This is a three-part series on emotions:
- 3 Big Mistakes About Feeling: What are emotions, emotions versus reason, and why you’re responsible for your emotions.
- How to control your emotions.
- How to Change (Emotional and Psychological Change)
Three Big Mistakes
Everything in our society says “don’t think, feel.” That’s the message of almost every Hollywood movie. “Follow your heart” has 23,800,000 hits on Google, citing everything from kids’ movies (Coco, Cinderella 2, Thumbelina) to popular music (The Kinks, Judy Collins, Diana Krall, Dionne Warwick). “Trust your gut” reached 7,930,000 Google hits. And who can forget “Trust your instincts, Luke.” (“Trust your instincts” garnered 11.5 million Google hits.) It’s never “trust your logic,” is it? Emotions are sacrosanct. We’re told that you musn’t judge emotions. Nobody can tell me what to feel. Feelings are irrational. They come over us like measles. You can’t help what you feel and you can’t be blamed for it. Women are emotional and men are logical. (This used to be seen as a shortcoming of women but is now seen as a shortcoming of men.)
All of this is wrong. It’s wrong about what an emotion is. It’s wrong about men and women. It’s wrong about the role emotions should play in our lives. And it keeps us from seeing how we can regulate and even change our emotions when we need to. Here are the three big mistakes. Despite popular opinion:
- There’s no big divide between feelings and reason: feelings are as reasonable or unreasonable as the people who have them.
- It is usually better to be reasonable—to have reasonable emotions and reasonable responses to them. Blindly “trust your gut” and “follow your heart” are generally recipes for disaster.
- Emotions involve judgments that are often right or wrong, fair or unfair, and so we can often be justly criticized and held responsible Sfor our emotions.
What Are Emotions?
So, what is an emotion? We tend view emotions as little tsunamis in the brain, surges of felt urges, or as fires in the heart, blazes of joy or rage or hatred or triumph. These trials by fire and water are certainly part of our emotional life. Most of the time, though, feelings are not like this. Jean Paul Sartre saw emotions in three ways: as an immediate feeling, as how we behave in response to a situation, and as enduring attitudes. The James-Lange theory holds, roughly that emotions like fear are interpretations of bodily changes, like our heart beating faster. Lazarus’s “Cognitive Appraisal Theory” suggests emotions begin with thinking about what a situation in our environment means for us. Many philosophers have held that emotions are judgments, including Martha Nussbaum, who says emotions are “intelligent responses to the perception of value.”
Emotions are complex things. Sometimes an emotion is how you perceive. As Ludwig Wittgenstein said, “The world of the happy man is a different one from that of the unhappy man.” Part of how you feel about a person is how you react to them. At the heart of an emotion is what I call an embodied judgment (or, really, a network of judgments). I’m angry with you because I think what you did was unfair, for example. But there’s more to the emotion than just thinking you were unfair (that’s why I call it “embodied”). My anger includes many of the ways I see you (as ungrateful, as annoying, as the child my mother preferred) and how I react to you (avoiding seeing you, not enjoying the silken tofu I associate with you), as well as, maybe, a gush of red, vehement fury and elevated blood pressure. If Ramona resents Tameka, she may be more likely to think Tameka guilty of being shady or mean or selfish. She may avoid Tameka, or even look for occasions to snub her. If forced to sit next to her, she may feel uncomfortable and time may seem to pass more slowly.
At the center of this tapestry of thoughts, actions, tendencies, attitudes, and feelings are judgments. Emotions are not just judgments—they are judgments embodied in our actions, thoughts, urges and surges, dispositions, attitudes—in how we live. Ramona feels Tameka betrayed her trust, wronged her in some way that unfairly rejected her or what she stands for. But if Tameka did not wrong Ramona or did not betray her trust, then Ramona’s judgment is wrong and her resentment is misplaced. For example, Selika resents her husband Arkan for spoiling her birthday by having a heart attack. “Can you believe him?” she asks her friend Belinda. “He’s so selfish. Everything is about him.” Selika judges that Arkan’s heart attack is selfish, a betrayal of their marital obligations, and an example of being self-centered. She is wrong about all of these judgments. Her judgment is embodied in the way she sees Arkan, in how she treats him, in her disposition to criticize him about everything, in her lack of kindness when she visits him in the hospital, in her decision to ignore Arkan’s request to inform his workplace about what happened, and in the tinge of bitterness she can almost taste when she thinks about her spoiled birthday. Much of this is simply unfair to Arkan. Selika is being unfair to Arkan by seeing his heart attack in this way (judgment) and in being unkind to a heart attack patient and placing his job in jeopardy because he ruined her birthday (her response to her judgments). Arkan deserves better treatment. Arkan has grounds to blame her for her resentment and how it is embodied. So, despite popular wisdom, Selika is wrong to feel what she feels. She is being irrational, because the judgments at the core of her resentment and her response to them are irrational. If Arkan protests, Selika is wrong to say “don’t tell me what to feel.” Her feeling is unfair to Arkan, and Arkan does not have to meekly put up with that unfairness. On the other hand, Jose resents Edgardo because Edgardo pretended, over a period of months, to be Jose’s friend in order to steal Jose’s boyfriend. Jose judges that Edgardo betrayed his trust by being an unscrupulous, selfish, and dishonest person. Jose is right about all these judgments. Jose’s resentment is embodied in, among other things, a dislike of Edgardo’s company, a tendency to avoid him, and a sense of sadness and anger when thinking about what happened. Jose’s judgments are rational and the way his resentment is embodied are reasonable responses to his judgments. So Jose’s resentment is rational. His resentment is justified.
Emotions v. Reason?
Emotions are as rational or irrational as the people who have them. Responses to emotions (how they are embodied) are also as rational or irrational, and as fair or unfair, as the people who have them. It is not just false that women are emotional and men are logical—it is confused. Everyone, whether male, female, non-binary, or anything else, has emotions. The judgments at the core of anyone’s emotion can be rational or irrational. Anyone’s responses to those judgments can be rational or irrational, appropriate or inappropriate, fair or unfair. Social conditioning leads many men to have irrational responses to certain kinds of judgments (punching, for example) and many women to have irrational kids of responses to other kinds of judgments, but people vary and are not slaves to social conditioning. There are plenty of generally level-headed women and plenty of generally hot-headed men. And people aren’t either emotional or rational. We all have emotions, some of which are rational and some of which are not. In addition, some people evaluate their emotions before acting more often than others. Even so, we’ve all had the experience of feeling a strong emotion that impels us to say something that, we are well aware, will cause more trouble than good. We tell ourselves not to say it. Maybe we even walk away. But as it stews in our head, we give in and say it anyway, knowing it’s a mistake. For some of us, this is a rare exception. For others it’s a way of life.
Trust Your Gut or Trust Your Brain?
As a character in one of my operas says, “the heart is a fickle master.” He also says, about trusting your gut, “our lives can’t depend on the state of your digestion.” For the most part (not always), I feel through my brain–what I feel makes sense, somehow, and that makes it even more passionate, for it is a passion at one with everything I am. The problem with “living for the moment” is that the next moment comes pretty soon, and what you did last moment doesn’t go away. All kinds of random things can trigger our feelings. If someone uses the same deodorant as your nasty 10th grade teacher, you may have an instant “bad feeling” about her without knowing why. Her choice of deodorant is hardly a good reason for snubbing her or not hiring her. Of course, sometimes our feelings and “gut” can alert us to something legitimate. That is why, if you have a bad feeling about something, you should look it over carefully. “Intuition” is a signpost that is sometimes right and sometimes wrong, and it is looking carefully at reasons and evidence that will tell you which. That’s because all sorts of things trigger an “intuition,” ranging from the trivial and irrelevant, like wearing the same deodorant, to a logical inference we haven’t consciously made (the person claiming to be single whose skin is lighter where the wedding ring would be). So when your spidey sense tingles, give it a good look. Unless it’s an emergency where there’s no time to think, it’s generally better to go with what reason and evidence tell you, all things considered. Usually, if the evidence says it’s a duck, it’s a duck. People often ignore reason because it tells them they have to give up something they don’t want to give up, or something else they don’t want to hear. But, as I used to tell my students, if you’re standing on a train track and see a train barreling toward you, reason tells you to get off the track (unless you want to die). The train doesn’t care what you know in your heart, or what your gut tells you, or how much faith you have. If you don’t get off the tracks, you’re apple sauce.
You Make Me Feel
Arguments abound over whether it’s true that “no one can make you feel anything without your permission.” Who’s right? As usual, it’s complicated. On the one hand, we feel our emotions, not anyone else, and we accept or don’t accept the embedded judgment. Ultimately, you can’t make me feel that I’m stupid if I don’t accept that I’m stupid. But, if we are sane, we accept or reject judgments on the basis of evidence, and what other people do or say is evidence. Also, there are four different ways you might think someone makes you feel something: 1) you make me feel a mood (happy, sad, angry). 2) I may feel something in empathy with you (I feel your pain). Next, you make me feel that something is true, for example, either 3) “you make me feel I am __” (unlovable, for example) or 4) you make me feel you are __” (always suspicious of me, for example). Although these are very different, there are key questions to ask yourself whenever you’re tempted to say “you make me feel.”
- Is what you’re feeling an appropriate response to what the other person said or did?
- Is it acceptable for the other person to say or do what they did, given your relationship?
- To what extent are they really the cause of what you’re feeling?
Celia and Kendal are married and typically call each other frequently. Celia goes to the casino, saying “don’t worry, I’ll be back by 4pm.” Kendal cooks a fairly elaborate dinner for 5pm. At 5:30, Kendall calls. Celia answers the phone angrily, saying “yes Master, I’m coming home” and hangs up. Kendall asks “why were you so nasty? I just called.” Celia says “you make me feel I can never enjoy myself and I always have to rush home.” Kendall says “I didn’t say any of those things—in fact, I didn’t say a single word.” Celia says “well that’s what I feel. I’m not allowed to feel anything?” Celia’s feeling that is inappropriate to what Kendall actually did or said. All that is in her head, and she is being unfair to Kendall; it is wrong and unfair to treat Kendall as if he really said those things. So she needs to deal with her feeling and apologize to Kendall.
Gloria and Bill are going to the theater. Gloria puts on a dress that shows her shoulders and a moderate bit of cleavage. Bill hits the roof, calling her a slut and a disgrace. Gloria’s anger is justified, because your spouse should not talk to you like that, especially when it is totally unjustified. If Gloria says “you make me feel angry,” she is justified in her anger: it is a legitimate response to what Bill did. Still, Gloria can choose to blow it off. She might decide she’d rather enjoy the theater than get in a fight, or that she won’t let that jerk ruin her day. Bill’s bad behavior is a legitimate source of anger, but Gloria still has choice about how to respond.
Jorge was crazy about Juan because he was always happy and excited when they were together. He says “he makes me happy.” But then he realized that they were always doing fun things he loved anyway, and that Ramon was always with them (they did things in a group). Jorge should ask himself “am I happy because I love the activities or because I’m doing them with Juan?” and “is it Juan’s or Ramon’s company I love?” What is it like, for example, if Jorge and Juan are alone, running an errand?
Minnie hates her job and comes home every night stressed and disgruntled. She is always annoyed with her partner Glenda. Minnie must ask herself “is it really Glenda that annoys me or is it really my job?”
You tell me about someone who hurt you. Out of empathy, I feel sad and angry on your behalf. Why? Because I judge you are worth caring about and that the hurt was unfounded. I won’t have empathy for Hitler stubbing his toe. So my empathetic feelings were a joint venture.
Can We Be Blamed for Our Emotions?
But how can I blame someone for their emotions? Popular wisdom is that we can’t help what we feel. So it’s not Selika’s fault that she resents Arkan. She can’t help it. Popular wisdom is wrong on both counts. We can’t pick what we feel like we can pick chocolate or vanilla at a frozen yoghurt shop. But we’re not completely passive about our emotions. The next posts will talk about how we can regulate and even change our emotions.
But even when we can’t help what we feel, so what? Selika’s resentment doesn’t come over her out of the blue like bird poop falling out of the sky. Emotions are part of our worldview, the way we react to and make sense of the world we live in: the complex and sometimes contradictory network of beliefs, attitudes, understandings, aversions, attractions, and perceptions, both conscious and unaware, that makes us who we are. Selika’s resentment reveals a lot about Selika as a person. If what it reveals about Selika is morally unsavory, then Selika’s resentment legitimately earns her blame. If it is unfair to Arkan, then Selika is guilty of being unfair. I’ve written books and articles about this, full of what I hope are convincing arguments. But let me just give you three examples.
Your partner Ben yearns for your neighbor. He fantasizes about having sex with your neighbor. He feels lust and desire whenever he sees her or thinks about her, and she often crosses his mind. Quite likely, if you are like most people, you’re upset with Ben about this. Is he absolved if he protests that he cannot help what he feels and no one can tell him what to feel? Keil feels disgusted at the thought of a man doing the dishes. His feeling is rooted in a network of sexist attitudes. Maybe Keil can’t help feeling disgust, but we judge Keil negatively for the sexist attitudes his feeling reveals. Wilbur loves to see people hurt and screaming in pain. The more agonizing the suffering, the more excited it makes Wilbur. Amanda says “Wilbur is a creep” even though he can’t help what he feels. Is she wrong?
Of course, Ben gets some credit for never acting on his desire. He’s not nearly as bad as someone who routinely has sex behind their partner’s back. Wilbur is not nearly as bad as someone who actually tortures people. But our emotions do show something about who we are as people. They make judgments that may be wrong or unfair, and have consequences for others in how they are embodied. So, yes, we need to ask ourselves if our emotions are fair and appropriate.
What about when they’re not? Then we need to try to regulate our emotions, and even, if possible, change them. How to do this is the subject of the next post. Stay tuned.
